learning about love

I've been feeling more than a little jaded about love the last few months. And every day I battle, longing for a sense of normalcy and balance. It's definitely a process.

I was thinking about my ideas of love and romance, of how you visualize some guy is to show up, sweep you off your feet, whisking you off into the sunset.

I've come to suspect Walt Disney and his animators as the culprit. I feel as though he lead me astray as a little girl. We all grew up watching story after story of how the prince comes to save the girl from a miserable, deprived existence. He fights the evil villain, and then they live happily ever after.

I spent years wondering when my "prince" would finally show up and rescue me and make me feel worthwhile. Then I became accepting of my singleness, forgetting expectations and just carried on.

Then, for a moment, it happened. I thought I found my prince. I was very happy. Doing the distance thing was awful but for a short time it was worth it to be together. It was a rather romantic notion from the beginning I suppose. It sufficed, but only for so long.

So yes, the end came sooner than the happily ever after I was anticipating--was promised, even. I'm still hurting over it but with every bad day, a better day comes after. I know I'll be back and forth on that for a long time to come, but eventually I'll believe that love can happen again one day. I'll continue to fight back that monster of bitterness threatening to rob me of the desire to try again.

As pathetically girly it is to admit it, watching "The Royal Wedding" this morning gave me renewed hope. I wasn't into watching all of the hype leading up to the big day, going gaga over the details, but I decided to tune in since it was a moment of history that people will talk about for years to come.

Okay, okay, call my BS. Despite it all, I'm a total romantic. I wanted to be up at 7:30am to watch it for the heck of it. (Thanks for the wake up call, Elizabeth!) Because I did, I got to witness the dreams of two beautiful people who love each other come true in such a spectacular way, and it made me love love more than I have in a long time. I was happy with them rather than bitter. (And she looked completely stunning.)

What captivated me most was that among all of the pomp and ceremony of the occasion, while all the world watched, they shared little "private" moments: when he first saw her after her walk down the aisle and you read his lips telling her loved her and that she looked beautiful (melt); when they dropped their guard for a second, looked into the other's eyes and smiled (adorbs); the way they looked like they were so happy they wanted to laugh outloud, but contained it. I die over people saying their vows no matter who they are and these two looked so deeply in love, so smitten.



Here are a couple of quotes from the Bishop of London, Richard Chartres' address. He was my favourite; not the least bit stuffy and presented with great enthusiasm (especially compared to the other leaders, sheesh):

"Marriage is intended to be a way in which man and woman help each other to become what God meant each one to be, their deepest and truest selves." 

"And in the Spirit of this generous God, husband and wife are to give themselves to each another.
A spiritual life grows as love finds its centre beyond ourselves. Faithful and committed relationships offer a door into the mystery of spiritual life in which we discover this; the more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves and our spiritual beauty is more fully revealed. In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.
It is of course very hard to wean ourselves away from self-centredness. And people can dream of doing such a thing but the hope should be fulfilled it is necessary a solemn decision that, whatever the difficulties, we are committed to the way of generous love."

"As we move towards our partner in love, following the example of Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit is quickened within us and can increasingly fill our lives with light."

How beautiful is that? To find someone that would make you want to be the best version of yourself possible? That's how it's supposed to be, right? I want that. I want to feel fully alive when I am with someone, to be my whole self without fear; that it wouldn't be a chore to be selfless in giving everything to them, because the other would have the same ambitions towards me.

Generous love.

And I don't want to settle for less. I know the strength of when I feel loved and the pain of when I don't--the latter is not so wonderful. I deserve to be loved in return with as much love that I give and more.

I'm inspired to wait for that kind of love and I'll stop being mad at poor ole' Walt.
One day my prince will come. And he'll stay.
But till then, I don't need to be rescued.
I'll be just fine.

quirky

Ever since watching the movie Amelie a few years back I've been trying to be mindful of the things that make me me. Not just a question of what my favourite colour or food may be but more of my preferences and habits that may even seem odd to someone else. This almost feels like a Post Secret confessional but here is a gratuitous list of some that I've come up with: 

1. I feel slightly uneasy sitting on the left side of the backseat of a vehicle. Maybe because growing up I always sat on the right side as the oldest sister, guarding the sidedoor of our van, and I've prefered it ever since. I also feel rather naked when I do not wear my seatbelt.

2. It may sound strange, but I love breaking in a new Bible. As in, skimming my thumb over all the thin feathery pages; feeling the crackle as the edges of the pages unstick and loosen up. Amazing.

3. I have a strange number of occurances of the number five in my life and therefore it is my number of choice. A few examples: I was born in the fifth month, was five weeks premature and I graduated in 2005. Maybe this is less of a quirk and merely facts about my life, but I find it fascinating nonetheless. I used to set my clock alarm only to multiples of five. I also think groupings of five are aesthetically pleasing.

4. I seem to get really obsessed about one colour for a certain amount of time and then I switch to another. When I'm drawn to a certain colour I tend to buy things only in that shade. Currently I am loving all of my past faves at once: Blue-Green-Purple-Teal-Mustard/Gold-Pink-Grey. Hurrah for variety.

5. When I make toast or sandwiches, I always cut them in half. I hate looking at a full slice of toast, and I don't enjoy ripping it apart to make it smaller. I also prefer my sandwich bread toasted, so it doesn't stick to my teeth. I usually claim to not be a picky eater but this is proof of otherwise. I guess for me its not about taste but more about presentation.  

And since I really do love the number five, I think that's a good place to stop. Hope you enjoyed a look at the inner workings of my mind. Try not use this deadly information against me. ;)